Terrible Dream

Just wanted to get this down so I don't forget it.

I had a horror movie type dream last night.

I was in a house, a nice ranch style house in the woods. This is a house that I don't know in real life but has appeared in dreams before. The dream started out with me in the house with a two (or more) family members and I was trying to get everyone out of the house so I could take a bath and get ready for work. My job was as a school teacher or a substitute teacher or something. My family wasn't leaving, which was annoying because somehow that was related to me getting in the bath and getting ready. I remember thinking about telling the school about being trans and how they would deal with it. The bath water kept overflowing in different bathrooms, I kept going between them trying to take a bath. The bathrooms were very opulent. But I couldn't take a bath because (i was wearing boy clothes) every time I took off my shirt, something would distract me (getting people out of the house or the bath water or something) and then I'd be wearing the the shirt again. Even the one time I got my shirt and pants off they were both back on. I started going crazy. I thought I was going insane and I tried to get someone to call for help. I was scared I would be locked up, but then I thought maybe I should be locked up because clearly I was going insane (because the shirt kept reappearing). It felt like I was in a  horror movie. This went on and on and on.

Then lastly I saw this guy who I had met when I was 19. I never really knew this person, he was just some long haired guy from school, but in the dream he was wearing makeup, looked just like himself, but he looked like a beautiful girl. When I told him (I thought he was a she, like had transitioned) he was beautiful, he got upset. Clearly had not transitioned.

Then I work up.

Day 7 Full-Time

Just a quick update: Today is day 7 of living full-time! In the past 7 days I've gone through TSA twice, through four airports, taken my kids grocery shopping and out to dinner, and more.

It's been amazing, but all my doubts haven't gone away. I'll write all the details in another post shortly.

Employee's Response To Me When I Told Him I Was Trans

I own my own business. Although my business partner has known about me for years (way back when I was "only" a crossdresser), yesterday I came out to one of my employees. He is the first employee I've come out to (and has been with us for the longest time).

When I told him his reply was: "I have noticed. Let me know when you want me to switch pronouns." This was so beautiful because what he really meant was, 'I have known for some time and I have been accepting you.'

First time out

Today I went out as Stephanie for the first time. It was great! I wore black tights, a beige skirt with black diagonal stripes, black flats, black top, and a long heather grey sweater. I wore just a bit of makeup and my dark long hair. I didn't do much, I drove about 15 min, sat in an empty waiting room (the person I was supposed to meet didn't show up), then drove home.

But it was wonderful. Of course I was nervous: I was worried what the other drivers would think, ugh. And I was nervous that someone would see me walking into or out of the office building. But no one did (I'll have to cross that next time). I can hardly wait until I do it again! The world didn't end, nothing came crashing down. It was a pretty good first outing.

It was exciting and freeing and I felt so good. It was only a few days ago that I freaked out, and I'm still not quite over that, but that doesn't seem to be slowing my desire for more.

I wonder if the fear ever goes away completely. I'm not sure that I'll ever be 100% passible (I'm also not sure how much that matters anymore), but I hope the fear does go away at some point. I want to live authentically, but also without fear.

Steps

My therapist asked me to list the steps in the process to becoming a woman and set a deadline for the first item. Some of these are ongoing (like practicing my fem voice) and I've listed where I currently am.

• Coming out to some friends.
• Coming out to my mom (I came out as bi and genderqueer, not transgender (because I'm still figuring it out)).
• Dressing more androgynously (adding fem articles of clothing into the mix, wearing some makeup sometimes).
• I am currently here.
• Adding to my clothes, jewelry, accessories, etc as needed.
• Driving around town as a woman.
• Going through a drive-thru as a woman.
• Getting better at putting on makeup.
• Better at my fem voice.
• Hair extensions or growing my hair out.
• Going out to dinner as a woman.
• Going out during the daytime as a woman.
• Spending a weekend living full time as a woman.
• Going to the beach.
• Spending a week or longer living full time as a woman.
• Talking to my ex-wife about how the kids might deal with this.
• Coming out to my kids.
• Coming out to everyone in my personal life.
• Changing my gender and name on Facebook.
• Coming out to the business world.
• Changing my twitter handle.
• Living full time as a woman.
• Electrolysis.
• Facial feminization surgeries.
• Bottom surgery (I'm not sure I would ever do this).

So the next step for me is driving around town as a woman. I will set a deadline of February 1st.

Hugs and kisses,

Stephanie

Wearing Heels

I went out to dinner last night with my friend Bobbie. I decided to wear heels even though I'd be in boy mode. This was the first time wearing heels like this. Here's what it looked like with the whole outfit and a close up of the shoes.

Whole Outfit

No one at the restaurant seemed to notice. I was a little bit self-conscience, but it wasn't too bad. :)

Close up of the heels

Hugs and kisses,
Stephanie

Fortune Cookie

While I was at the height of freaking out the other night, I got this in a fortune cookie:


Pretty funny!

Hugs and Kisses,
Stephanie