I am freaking out right now. Last night, while intoxicated, I started this inner dialog that can be summarized as "What the fuck are you doing!?" I am a boy, why am I pretending, why am I putting myself through all this. It's no wonder I have chronic insomnia, I'm contemplating making the biggest change in my life. I realized, I don't have to go through with this, I can slow down the process, I can make different choices if I want to. I decided when I woke up I would take off my makeup, earrings, nail polish, and just be boy for a while. I woke up this morning to a panic attack. Had I been sober last night I would probably have called what I felt a panic attack too. This morning I just wanted it to stop, but as soon as I started getting out of bed and saw the clothes I wore last night on the floor, I want to put on girl clothes again. I took a valium, went and bought cigarettes (probably not the best to to try and stop smoking). I'm more relaxed now, but I still feel split. Even just sitting here at home I want the inner conflict to stop, but I still want to put on girl clothes. Maybe I'm "just" a transvestite and not transgender? I'd just like a break from all of these thoughts for a while.
No comments:
Post a Comment