First time out

Today I went out as Stephanie for the first time. It was great! I wore black tights, a beige skirt with black diagonal stripes, black flats, black top, and a long heather grey sweater. I wore just a bit of makeup and my dark long hair. I didn't do much, I drove about 15 min, sat in an empty waiting room (the person I was supposed to meet didn't show up), then drove home.

But it was wonderful. Of course I was nervous: I was worried what the other drivers would think, ugh. And I was nervous that someone would see me walking into or out of the office building. But no one did (I'll have to cross that next time). I can hardly wait until I do it again! The world didn't end, nothing came crashing down. It was a pretty good first outing.

It was exciting and freeing and I felt so good. It was only a few days ago that I freaked out, and I'm still not quite over that, but that doesn't seem to be slowing my desire for more.

I wonder if the fear ever goes away completely. I'm not sure that I'll ever be 100% passible (I'm also not sure how much that matters anymore), but I hope the fear does go away at some point. I want to live authentically, but also without fear.

Steps

My therapist asked me to list the steps in the process to becoming a woman and set a deadline for the first item. Some of these are ongoing (like practicing my fem voice) and I've listed where I currently am.

• Coming out to some friends.
• Coming out to my mom (I came out as bi and genderqueer, not transgender (because I'm still figuring it out)).
• Dressing more androgynously (adding fem articles of clothing into the mix, wearing some makeup sometimes).
• I am currently here.
• Adding to my clothes, jewelry, accessories, etc as needed.
• Driving around town as a woman.
• Going through a drive-thru as a woman.
• Getting better at putting on makeup.
• Better at my fem voice.
• Hair extensions or growing my hair out.
• Going out to dinner as a woman.
• Going out during the daytime as a woman.
• Spending a weekend living full time as a woman.
• Going to the beach.
• Spending a week or longer living full time as a woman.
• Talking to my ex-wife about how the kids might deal with this.
• Coming out to my kids.
• Coming out to everyone in my personal life.
• Changing my gender and name on Facebook.
• Coming out to the business world.
• Changing my twitter handle.
• Living full time as a woman.
• Electrolysis.
• Facial feminization surgeries.
• Bottom surgery (I'm not sure I would ever do this).

So the next step for me is driving around town as a woman. I will set a deadline of February 1st.

Hugs and kisses,

Stephanie

Wearing Heels

I went out to dinner last night with my friend Bobbie. I decided to wear heels even though I'd be in boy mode. This was the first time wearing heels like this. Here's what it looked like with the whole outfit and a close up of the shoes.

Whole Outfit

No one at the restaurant seemed to notice. I was a little bit self-conscience, but it wasn't too bad. :)

Close up of the heels

Hugs and kisses,
Stephanie

Fortune Cookie

While I was at the height of freaking out the other night, I got this in a fortune cookie:


Pretty funny!

Hugs and Kisses,
Stephanie

I am freaking out

I am freaking out right now. Last night, while intoxicated, I started this inner dialog that can be summarized as "What the fuck are you doing!?" I am a boy, why am I pretending, why am I putting myself through all this. It's no wonder I have chronic insomnia, I'm contemplating making the biggest change in my life. I realized, I don't have to go through with this, I can slow down the process, I can make different choices if I want to. I decided when I woke up I would take off my makeup, earrings, nail polish, and just be boy for a while. I woke up this morning to a panic attack. Had I been sober last night I would probably have called what I felt a panic attack too. This morning I just wanted it to stop, but as soon as I started getting out of bed and saw the clothes I wore last night on the floor, I want to put on girl clothes again. I took a valium, went and bought cigarettes (probably not the best to to try and stop smoking). I'm more relaxed now, but I still feel split. Even just sitting here at home I want the inner conflict to stop, but I still want to put on girl clothes. Maybe I'm "just" a transvestite and not transgender? I'd just like a break from all of these thoughts for a while.

I am a woman

Note: This actually happened Thur, Jan 8, but it didn't get published at that time.

In my last post I wrote about going to Payless to buy girl shoes for the first time. What I didn't write about is why. The day I went shoe shopping was the first day I went to talk to a therapist about my gender identity issues. The session went very well. Mostly she just asked me about background stuff, but at the end of the session she gave me a homework assignment: Write letters to my kids about my gender identity, transitioning, whatever. I asked her to clarify, am I writing as Steven or Stephanie, am I writing as a parent, in a way to help them understand or something else. She left it open ended, but I immediately started imaging what I might say to my nine year-old son. I was overcome by this overwhelming feeling, "I am a woman." For a few seconds I was filled with a particular happiness I only feel when I really feel like a woman. It's almost like an excited butterflys-in-my-stomach felling, but there's never an nervousness or apprehension associated with the feeling, just joy. It only lasted a few seconds, but I've never felt that feeling so strongly before. I almost started crying (which is a big deal for me). The afterglow of the feeling lasted about ten minutes, until I got on a work phone call in the car. But in those ten minutes I decided two things: 1. Since I am a woman I should just accept that "this" (this body, this face, this brain, this big hands and shoulders, "this") is the woman I am. I don't have to be a petite, skinny, pretty girl. This is the woman I am. And I'm OK with her. Even if other people might not be. 2. Since I am a woman I better get out of the house. And so the plans begin.

I'm going to go out of town with a friend and spend the whole weekend as the woman I am. To do that I need a bunch of things, starting with more comfortable shoes (hence the trip to Payless). I'm still making my list of things I'll need, but here's what I have so far: A purse, maybe purses? A warm coat, my one girly sweater won't cut it for a weekend. More than just one bra that fits. New tights. Figure out what I'm going to wear and buy clothes if I can't make proper, age appropriate outfits out of what I have. Get hair extensions or figure out how to or even if I can wear a wig all day long. Figure out how to put on age appropriate makeup. Work on my fem voice.


Hugs and Kisses
Stephanie

First time buying shoes in person

Note: This actually happened Thur, Jan 8, but it didn't get published at that time.

I just went to buy girl shoes by myself for the first time. Until today I have only bought shoes online. I've been wanting to go shoe shopping for sometime, but I was pretty scared, especially considering (since I've only ever been out of the house in girl-mode once for a Halloween party) I'd be doing it in boy-mode.

But today I went for it, and it was super easy! I went to my local Payless at 4:45. It turns out the larger sizes are on the far aisle, across from the men's shoes. I was greeted when I walked in, "Can I help you find anything?" I asked for some of those cheap foot hose, she gave me a pair and then left me alone. No scorn, no weird looks or comments. I looked over the size 11 offerings, there were some cute shoes. My goal was a pair of flats. I tried on a few, it turns out that depending on the shoe, either 11w or 12 seem to fit me, which is odd because my boy size is also 11.

I won't lie, I was nervous, but I forced my self not to rush and to try on all the pairs I was interested in. I found four that I liked: A casual flat (size 11w), a dressier flat  (size 12), a bootie pump (size 11w), and an open toe pump (size 11). While trying them on I no one came down my aisle except the the sales girl. She asked if I was OK, and didn't make any kind of fuss when she saw me trying on girl shoes. They all looked cute, they were all on sale, they were all black.  And they were all more comfortable than any of the shoes I currently own. I decided that since I'm probably going to start buying more shoes I shouldn't just buy everything I like, so I put back the open toed pump and headed to the register.

While at the register someone came in the store and got in line behind me. That made me nervous all over again, but I just stood at the register and acted like this was no big deal. The sales girl was super friendly, helped me get signed up for their rewards program and treated me the same as if I was buying any pair of men's shoes.

So why did I decide today was the day? I'll write about that next time.

Hugs and Kisses
Stephanie